亢奋第一季

《亢奋》的英文剧名是Euphoria，根据《朗曼现代英语词典》的解释，Euphoria指的是一种持续时间很短的极度强烈的快乐和兴奋的感觉，不得不说剧名确实和内容很符合，每个主角都在体验这种感觉。

本剧篇幅不长，一共8集，每集开头几分钟都从主角Rue的视角介绍了其他一些主角从小到大的经历，然后围绕主角们讲述他们的校园/业余生活。

Rue从小就有精神类疾病，到了十几岁就开始嗑药，16岁因为过度嗑药差点挂了，从医院出来又去了戒毒所呆了一年再重回校园。

Jules是镇上新来的男跨女的trans少女，有注射荷尔蒙但是没有做手术，看起来是女生的外形，长发有胸也有jj。她出现之后，和Rue成了好闺蜜，Rue爱上了她，并且想要重新做人。虽然Jules和Nate网聊的时候对他有过短暂爱慕，后来也和新朋友Anna产生别样情愫，但我觉得最后Jules是爱上了Rue的。Rue也爱Jules，但是Jules对她来说就像上帝奖励给她的救命药，Jules就像drugs一样让她感到快乐，她害怕戳破窗户纸会失去Jules自己又要重回黑暗，所以后面Jules暗示她的时候她有点怯懦。而最后Jules准备和她一起逃离小镇的时候，Rue退缩了，也许是她在意妈妈和妹妹，也许是她已经不需要Jules了。她在对Jules的沉迷和留在家人身边中选择了后者，Jules一个人离开了。

Nate是校草，学校橄榄球队风云人物，爸爸是当地首富，他们父子俩都帅气多金但都有深藏不露的秘密。Jules刚来就和Nate他爸Carl约了，Carl其实是Gay，一直约各种trans年轻人（男跨女）而且拍了视频刻成光盘锁在书房抽屉里。而这些光盘被年幼的Nate全部看完了，表面事业有成家庭和睦的他爸背地里却如此龌龊，那些Sex视频给年幼的Nate带来了强烈的视觉和听觉冲击。他长大后有非常暴力的一面，并且也在同性交友软件上和trans聊天并保存对方的鸟图，我觉得和那些视频是脱不开干系的。

闺蜜团里有Maddy、Cassie和Kat。Maddy是校花，家庭不幸福，家庭条件一般，但是想过上rich girl的生活。她和Nate是纠纠缠缠分不开的一对，即使她知道了Nate手机里存了40多张别人的鸟图，而且Nate为了威胁她不让她说出去还掐了她，脖子上全是淤青，后来还是和好了。

身高差真的很萌

Cassie是校花2号，一直在恋爱，一直受伤害，就算自己不愿意还是会同意男朋友给她拍sex video并传裸照给对方，分手后这些都会被男的泄露出去。后来遇上了McKay，她本以为McKay是不一样的那一个，但对McKay而言她不过是他情绪低落时寻求的一个安慰而已，前脚才告诉Cassie他爱她，后脚Nate问他们啥关系，他说就是一起玩玩，一次次说爱她结果Cassie怀孕了他又极度不负责任，最后妈妈和妹妹陪她去堕胎，决心接下来3年不再恋爱。

演员本人这两年电影资源很多

Kat原本是闺蜜团中做陪衬的那个负责安慰人的胖女孩，是网上写同人小说的大佬，但是现实生活中不怎么受欢迎，和异性也没什么火花。有一天她开始改变自己，从着装到行事风格，变成了一个穿着性感暴露嘴巴狠毒的女孩，并且开始在网上发布软色情视频，戴面具收费赔老男人聊天。她的同桌Ethan喜欢她，她也喜欢他，但因为一个小误会他们发展也不顺，我觉得是Kat自卑，以为Ethan是玩弄她感情，所以她就对他下嘴非常狠毒，但好在Ethan没有退却，最后Kat又做回自己跟他道歉两人和好。

暖男Ethan表白

Fez是卖drugs给Rue的辍学学长，他对Rue应该是喜欢的，但是更多的是把她当家人，当妹妹。Fez是个很棒的男生，他没有父母，带着弟弟两个人讨生活，照顾瘫痪在床没有意识的奶奶，还一直罩着Rue。我觉得整个剧只有他和Ethan两个人是好男生。

整个剧展现了年轻人遭受的各种各样的困扰，爱情、友情、性、性取向、性暴力、早孕、drugs、酒、party、抑郁症、躁郁症、暗网交易等等，内容大胆，拍摄上大量运用光和色彩，许多画面看起来很有艺术感，主角们的造型、服装都非常用心，音乐选得也很好，视觉和听觉效果都非常好。

前闺蜜Lexi看着Rue和Jules在一起时失落的身影

除了整体内容把控得当，还有许多小细节也传递了非常多有用的信息。比如校方知道Nate和Maddy脖子的淤青有关后就请他父母来学校，他爸Carl到学校门口后，是警察给他拉开门，然后Carl走在前面，警察和妈妈并排走在后面。这个走位很好地体现了Carl在当地的地位和声望，也符合前面说的整个镇子有一半都属于他这个信息。

另外，剧里还探讨了什么是真爱，性取向是流动的等等。

这两年看了很多这种聚焦青少年/青春期的剧，《SKAM》、《诸事不顺》、《性教育》、《去他妈的世界》、《正常人》、《亢奋》，展现的内容都差不多，《SKAM》还涉及了宗教和爱情的冲突。我认为有探讨这些问题的影视剧作品对年轻人来说是好事。看剧的年轻人也可能会遇到同样的困扰，这些剧对他们可能有所启发。有人可能会说把孩子教坏了，但是堵不如疏，担心这些艺术作品有坏的影响，还不如担心杀女人、家暴、强奸、肇事逃逸等等社会新闻。

最后结尾处有点像舞台剧，第一次看到这种结尾形式，有点惊喜。

结尾的舞台剧

剧里其他细节：

Nate犯错后在他爸面前的肢体语言：紧张，拘谨，害怕

Carl想包庇Nate时，警察说的话（事实是否是这样就不清楚了）

Jules和Nate网聊时的画面呈现，很有设计感

Jules两次说“爱”的时候表情明显不一样，真的爱谁显而易见

最后放点Rules的糖（和💩）🥰

Rue，一个酷盖，随便Jules打扮她的时候，超可爱

Rue的情话一级

诡异甜蜜的情话

都这么直白了！吻啊怂什么！

Jules一个人走了

Rue的发型超酷

Jules是天使吗？怎么会有这么甜的笑

太甜了，爱了🥰

在一起吧求求了

各种Kiss

从rick and morty第四季summer说的台词传送过来的 看了以后觉得全篇的记忆点全部都在拍摄手法上 剧情无力吐槽 人物除了jules基本没啥看点 （尤其是mckay这条线每次都想快进..）配上节奏ost和炫酷运镜灯光当成大型mv卡点视频（伪）看看害行八..

绝佳的镜头记忆点个人排名

top5 第一集磕了出来旋转楼梯

top4 床上jules和rue旋转运镜转场

top3 嘉年华开始的一段长镜头

top2 舞池jules和黑人女闪啊闪那段

top1 嘉年华找gia的那段 全程大光圈绝美

此外party的灯光青橙和赛博朋克风简直绝美。剧情的话从第二集就想弃了，越到后面越无聊，最后finale坐火车就走了，不知道是什么脑洞有点莫名其妙。

讲道理 作为一个后期狗兼执行制片 这部剧简直就是19年影视标杆好吧 那个镜头那个调色那个打光那个场控协调 恕我直言同个题材的剧你康康隔壁网飞的性爱自习室 简直把人家摁在地上反复鞭尸好嘛 反正就那电影级的画面感和秀肌肉式的镜头感我就吹爆 而且ost辣么好听！

（我就是不服凭啥性爱自习室评分更高🌚

致我这部剧中最爱的cpRULES 刷完全剧，真的很喜欢朱尔斯和鲁这对。她们之间的感情可以说是全剧中最特别的。朱尔斯和鲁之间有过不少亲密的行为，经常抱在一起睡觉，会亲吻，会彼此告白。她们之间的爱纯粹无邪，大概也是目前剧里唯一没有做过的一对cp，这也说明了她们之间关系的特殊性。就如玛迪所说，亲吻更加糟糕，因为它比做爱更加亲密。 THE FIRST

鲁第一次吻朱尔斯。当时两人因为网友的事闹了小矛盾，鲁主动去朱尔斯家求和好。在鲁声泪俱下的“控诉”中，两人抱在了一起重归于好。她们额头碰在一起，朱尔斯对鲁说： “我厌弃世人，唯独喜欢你。”

在这种暧昧的氛围里，鲁情不自禁地主动吻了一下朱尔斯，然后心虚地在朱尔斯震惊的眼神下落荒而逃。鲁是害怕的。她害怕会因为这个行为失去朱尔斯，此前朱尔斯是表现出喜欢男性的。尽管她深深地喜欢着朱尔斯，但也在后悔自己过分的举动会伤害到她们之间的关系。

但朱尔斯其实并没有像鲁想的那样排斥那个吻。在特别篇中，她相反说过很多次都想亲吻鲁，甚至早在她们相识的第一晚，当两个人那样静静地看着彼此的时候。

第一个吻是她们彼此之间的试探。鲁在试探朱尔斯会不会因为这个吻而丢下她，朱尔斯则虽然震惊，但她心里并没有因为那个吻而对鲁有什么意见，相反，她更坚定了那个想法：别失去她。 THE SECOND

嘉年华。朱尔斯和鲁热烈地拥抱在一起，鲁的妹妹一眼看破天机：“我觉得鲁爱上了朱尔斯。”果然知姐莫若妹。

朱尔斯在被网友泰勒的真面目伤害到了后，想到的第一件事就是去找鲁寻求安慰。她穿着鲁的衣服，两人躺在床上抱在了一起。BGM响起，镜头在当前与以往转换。终于朱尔斯摸着鲁的脸颊，主动亲吻了鲁，两人相拥而吻。

终于朱尔斯也向鲁表达了自己的态度。

THE THIRD

聚会那天，朱尔斯满怀心事，喝了很多酒。鲁看在眼里但也不想过问。在泳池里，朱尔斯对鲁念着罗密欧与朱丽台词，鲁劝她停下，却被一把拽进了泳池，两人在水中接吻。鲁的心情却更加沉重了。

不是所有的吻都是甜蜜的。

ELSE 精神层面外。

朱尔斯在城里认识了一个女孩安娜，然后她们上床了。从这里开始，朱尔斯开始接受女性之间的亲密。在这期间场景变换，朱尔斯看到了安娜，看到了奈特，最后鲁出现了。

而在特别篇中朱尔斯也谈到过她幻想的最棒的性爱，在那期间一切都是模糊的。看不见那个人的脸，但有一个人是明确的：鲁。鲁总是游离在朱尔斯与那人之外，就是那样静静地、冷漠地看着他们。朱尔斯向她伸出手，喊着鲁的名字。最后朱尔斯达到了极致，睁开眼睛，叫出来的名字是：“鲁。” 这是朱尔斯对鲁的感情的一个升华。最开始她只和男性约炮，想借助男性来突出自己的女性特征，从未和女性有过亲密接触。但最后，无论是亲吻还是亲密关系，她心里想到的，只有鲁。

ALL 横亘在两人之间的是毒品。 朱尔斯厌恶毒品，一方面鲁答应戒毒很大程度是因为自己，所以朱尔斯时常觉得压力很大。另一方面因为它曾经带走了自己的母亲，而她害怕鲁对于毒品的上瘾最终会把她从自己身边带走。这也体现在朱尔斯幻想的两人的共同生活，可能有一天鲁会因为毒品而离开了她。只要想到这里，朱尔斯就心痛不已。而在鲁的构想里，她们在一起的生活里确实也包含毒品。 但关于毒品与朱尔斯，鲁早就做出了明确的选择：朱尔斯。朱尔斯说，你要是再吸毒我就不和你玩了。鲁答应了她。对于鲁而言，朱尔斯是一种新型毒品，比鲁以往所接触过的更要让她上瘾，第一次尝到就再也离不开。就像鲁第一次在车上见到朱尔斯，就再也无法挪开视线。

鲁对于朱尔斯的感情毋庸置疑。她会经常在家人面前谈起鲁，在朱尔斯表现出喜欢其他人时会吃醋

会想着朱尔斯自慰，对于朱尔斯的主动会有些慌张

朱尔斯也是喜欢鲁的。没有一个人像鲁那样看她，也也从没有女孩和朱尔斯有过那么多亲密的举动。朱尔斯会很开心鲁在家人面前提到过自己，会陪鲁一起在嘴唇里纹她们的cp名RULES

会一眼看穿鲁吃醋，每次谈论到鲁都会忍不住地笑。和心理医生谈到鲁时原本严肃的面孔忍不住洋溢着笑容，并且承认自己彻底爱上了鲁。鲁问她爱她吗的时候也笑着回答说当然。

毒品是其中的变数了，也不知道第二季会有什么样的展开💔

好喜欢在最后一集的聚会上，朱尔斯问鲁为什么不吻她。 鲁:“‘我吻了。’” 朱尔斯:“为什么你不深情吻我？” 鲁:“你想我深情吻你吗？” 朱尔斯:“我要你别问，直接上。” 然后鲁沉默了。（看到这里我恨不得附身鲁去吻朱尔斯！你倒是上啊鲁！）

第二季RULES一定要在一起啊！😭

E04凯西（Cass）被男朋友的模糊不明的态度气到了，和Mandy去嗑药买醉放纵，她们约定好，要做最bad bitch的自己，不再去在意别人的目光和评价。她邀请XX男（不知道名字）一起去玩旋转木马，性暗示再明显不过了。Cass似乎把抓杆当做了钢管舞，搔首弄姿，肆意对刚刚上钩的猎物铺洒她的性感。她与对方接吻，加上公共场所的刺激+“出轨”报复的快感+毒品加强感官冲击的三重作用下，开始在大庭广众下用旋转木马自慰，直到高潮。观众跟随她的情绪攀至巅峰，然后又跌回现实：她在这个虚假自私的小镇的游乐场里做了不能被社会认可的事情，周围全是虎视眈眈的围观群众，而她深知，人言可畏。刚刚发生的行为很可能会毁了她。

但是谁能说TA不曾想象过呢？谁没有想在公交车、地铁站做点出格的事情过？而清醒而理智的我们，自然是知道，那样做的后果。

这就是为什么这一幕戏是极其有冲击力的，它把我们的恐惧拍出来，那么真实，又性感。

愿者上钩

她和Mandy约好，要做最自信的自己

然后他们接吻，很明显，在毒品和感情受伤还要努力让自己don't give a fuck的情况下，她被turn on了。

这欲仙欲死的脸

她肆意在旋转木马的马鞍和抓杆上摩擦自己的性器官获得快感

接近高潮

爽过了以后环顾四周

这时候旋转木马似乎慢下来了，她从云端跌回了现实，发现周围所有人都在看戏。

不敢置信的一波男性

不怀好意的女性

津津有味的男性，还有他狐疑愠怒的妻子

放肆嘲笑的群众

沉默

曾经的我 幸福满足 I was once happy, content, 徜徉在只属于我的羊水之中 sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool. 结果有一天 由于不可抗拒的因素 Then one day, for reasons beyond my control, 我母亲莱丝丽的子宫 I was repeatedly crushed... 一次又一次对我残忍地施加压力 over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie. 我顽强地抵抗了 却终敌不过大自然 I put up a good fight, but I lost, 这是我人生第一次败仗 之后更是节节败退

我厌弃所有人 除了你 I hate everyone else in the world but you.

茱尔丝 你自残吗 And, Jules, do you self-injure? 事实上 茱尔丝讨厌自己 The truth was, Jules hated herself. 她讨厌自己大脑的运作方式 She hated how her brain worked... 她的大脑会因一个想法而卡住 the way it would get stuck on a thought, 从而噎到自己 like choking. 专注于当下 All right. Keep present. 大脑会陷入无尽的循环 And it would just play on an infinite loop, 直到她停止思考 until she couldn't think 无法呼吸 濒临死亡 or breathe or stand to be alive. 克服并非易事 茱尔丝 This is hard, Jules. 你一定可以挺过去 You're going to get through it, okay? 但她不仅讨厌自己的大脑 She didn't just hate her brain, though. 她还讨厌自己的身体 但不是每个部位都讨厌 She hated her body, not every part, 只讨厌肩膀 手臂 just her shoulders, and her arms, 双手 and her hands. 还有胸部 腹部 大腿 Also her chest, her stomach, her thighs. 她最讨厌膝盖了 Her knees were the worst. 还很讨厌脚踝和肥大的双脚 Plus her ankles, and her big, fucking, stupid feet. 她讨厌自己的人生 并非因为过得不好 She hated her life, not because it was bad, 而是因为 痛恨自己的大脑和身体之人 but because when you hate your brain and your body, 很难享受人生

每当她被虐得很惨时... And whenever anything got too uncomfortable... 茱尔丝就假装自己灵魂出窍 Jules would just imagine that she wasn't really herself, 她其实在旁观别人的生活 and this wasn't really her life. 她只是虚构作品中的一个虚构人物 She was just a character in a book or a movie or a show. 一切都是假象 即便是真 又能如何呢 That none of it was real, and if it was, how did it matter? 这具身体本就不属于她 It's not like her body ever really belonged to her in the first place.

我没有特别喜欢的事情 There's nothing I'm really passionate about. 没有非要做或说的事 You know, like, I'm not dying to say or do anything, really. 每次我向大家坦露心迹 And every time I admit that to people, 他们都会觉得这样很可悲 但是... they're like, "Oh, my gosh, that's so sad." But... 我觉得多数人都是如此 I think that's the case for most people. 我妈是如此 You know? Like, when I look at my mom or... 我同学也是如此 like, the kids at my school-- 从他们社交媒体上的动态就能看出来 like, their profiles or their posts and their Tumblr rants... 大家也都过得稀里糊涂 迷茫无助 you realize they're all just fucked up, too... and lost. 只是他们都得掩饰真相... They just have a reason to mask it... 为了不让家人担忧 whether it be, like, their, their families 拴住男友 博取关注 or their boyfriends or their hashtag activism. 他们都只是借助表面的光鲜亮丽 And they're just reaching for something -粉饰人生的虚无 -小茹... - to make it all seem meaningfu

麦迪从小就很了解自己 Maddy knew who she was from a very early age. 从麦迪记事以来 她就是万人迷 For as long as Maddy could remember, everybody loved her.

她不知自己为何受欢迎 She never knew exactly what it was. 她只知道自己很特殊 She just knew that she had something special, 气质迷幻朦胧 something intangible, 魅力无人能及 something immeasurable.

她因此充满自信 And it gave her confidence

她也是因此热爱选美 That's why she loved pageantry, 因为冠军不必容貌倾城 高挑精干 because you didn't have to be the prettiest or the tallest 也不必金发碧眼 肤如凝脂 or the blondest or the whitest. 自信闪耀就够了

You just had to have fucking confidence.嘉年华当晚 和卢克·卡斯滕打炮时 So the night of the carnival, while fucking Luke Kasten, 凯特顿悟了 Kat had an epiphany. 她居然上了卢克·卡斯滕 She was fucking Luke Kasten, 那他妈可是卢克·卡斯滕啊 Luke motherfucking Kasten. 没上过东高的人可能不知道... And for those of you who didn't go to East Highland... 卢克·卡斯滕可是男神 Luke Kasten was a fucking god. 他毕业多年 可学校里依然有他的传说 I mean, he graduated years ago and people still talk about him. 他有我见过最大的鸡鸡 He has the biggest dick I've ever seen, 他上我时 我一直盯着他看 and I was looking at him while he was fucking me. 他射精时 I could see his face scrunching up 我看到他的脸皱成一团 when he was coming all over my stomach, 我突然就顿悟了 and I had this, like, realization, you know, like, this epiphany. 无论这个人有多酷帅性感 That no matter how cool, or, or sexy 不论他在你眼中有多聪明 or, or smart you think a guy is, 其实都卑微渺小得可悲可怜 they're actually just fucking pathetic.

我一直试图减弱自己的存在感 my whole life, all I've tried to do is to take up less space.

企图避开那帮男人 Try to hide from guys, like, who might, like, 因为我经过时 他们会对朋友悄悄吐槽 whisper to their friend under their breath as I walked by. 我这一生 I've spent my whole life 都在担心大家会发现我是个胖妞 afraid people were gonna find out that I was fat. 但说实话 根本没人在意 But honestly, who gives a shit?

无所畏惧的胖女孩所向披靡 There's nothing more powerful than a fat girl who doesn't give a fuck.

高中的情谊转瞬即逝 并非天长地久 Nothing in high school lasts forever. 你该见见她 You should meet her.

Are you kidding me? 你被罚下了 You're out of the game. 冲动就会输球 You get emotional, you lose. 动怒就会输球 You get angry, you lose. -爸 他说我是... -无关紧要 - Dad, he called me-- - I don't give a good goddamn. 你觉得他为什么偏偏说你呢 Why do you think he's talking to you in the first place? -因为他... -因为他想激怒你 - Because he-- - Because he's trying to get a rise out of you. 扰乱你的思绪 让你分心 Trying to make you upset, lose focus. 他在挑战你的底线 这就是生存法则 That's his game. That's the world's game. 他们不断逼你 They want to push on you, 逗弄你 考验你的极限 Poke on you, see exactly how much you can take. 极限会决定你能走多远 And how much you can take is what will ultimately define you. 因为应对之道可以衡量人的品性 Because the measure of a man is in how he reacts. 我该如何应对 How am I supposed to react? 将自己的所有情绪 By taking everything you feel, 挫败感 愤怒 狂暴 all your frustrations, your anger, your rage, 统统收起 you bottle it up, 守住本心 you take your position, 当情绪累积至顶峰 and when that snap comes, 将其化作喷薄而出的动力 you let it explode.

她几乎每次都会心软答应 And she almost always said yes. 尽管她很不情愿 也会照做 Even though it didn't always make her feel good. 她知道 多数男生跟她分手后 And she knew that most guys, after she broke up with them, 都会散播她的性爱视频和裸照

would always share those photos or videos. 她刚发现时 恐慌心悸 The first time she found out, she had a panic attack, 她甚至想吞扑热息痛自杀 and wanted to swallow a whole bottle of Tylenol. 但最终打消了自杀的念头 But she didn't. 因为大家顶多言语上对她讽刺挖苦 Because, I mean, what's the worst thing anybody could say to her? 无非就是嘲笑她给渣男口交而已 That she gave a blowjob to a guy who didn't deserve it? 而且 她觉得等到毕业求职那会儿 And she figured by the time she was out of college and looking for a job, 绝大多数人都有过裸照的黑历史了 99 percent of the population would have leaked nudes, anyway.

一想到要站起来 The thought of having to stand up, 移动35英尺 每走一步要调动172块肌肉 exert 172 muscles each step for 35 feet, 就为了坐在冰凉的陶瓷坐便器上 just so I can sit on cold porcelain 日复一日地排出体内毒素 and piss out toxins over and over again for the rest of my life 我就觉得人生是一个漫长且磨人的玩笑 makes the whole concept of living feel like one long, sadistic joke. 但抑郁最磨人的一点是 But the absolute worst part of depression 你明知自己抑郁了 is that even though you know you're depressed, 却依然无可救药地越陷越深 you're unable to stop yourself from getting worse

抑郁的另一症状就是 The other thing about depression is 让人丧失时间概念 it kind of collapses time. 突然之间 全部记忆混杂交织 Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together 无穷无尽 令人窒息 to create one endless and suffocating loop. 抑郁后 人会试图回想愉悦的瞬间 So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. 但大脑会一点点蚕食欣快的回忆 But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. 最终 And eventually, 脑中仅剩人生中沉闷压抑的记忆 all you can think about is how life has always been this way. 人就会日渐消沉 And will only continue to be this way.

曾经有个心理医生说 我压抑的状态会起起落落 I had a therapist once who said that these states will wax and wane. 我妈因此松了一口气 Which gave my mother relief, 因为就算我犯病了 because it meant that in the bad times, 总也会好起来 there would be good times. 但她也因此焦灼难安 But it also gave her anxiety 因为就算我一时没事 because it meant that in the good times, 总也有抑郁发作的一天 there would be bad times. 我一直很不解 It always confused me, 因为我不懂"起落"的意思 because I didn't really know what it meant. 但听起来比我自己的形容更让人安心 But it did sound a lot calmer than the way I would describe it. 我得继续服药 There you go. How you feel? Okay? 我知道你现在很低落 宝贝 I know you're feeling low right now, baby. 但你没有故态复萌 说明你的症状有所缓解 But the fact that you didn't turn back means you're gettin' better. 没错 It does. 一定是这样 It does. 当然了 我之后才领悟到 Granted, I didn't realize until later "起起落落"的真正含义 what waxing and waning implied. 抑郁无法根除 会反复发作 That these feelings were fixed and constant 我的余生都将与抑郁作伴 and would never end for the rest of my life.

我住院观察了三天 And kept me there for three days. 其实住院可好了 It was actually really nice. 我超喜欢医院 I love hospitals. 要是余生都能在医院度过 我绝对没意见 If I could spend the rest of my life in a hospital, I would. 因为住院时 Because when you're in a hospital, 可以做个米虫 you have zero responsibilities. 医护人员会保证你吃饱睡好 身体棒棒 They make sure you eat, sleep, stay hydrated, 如遇不测 医生总能及时出现 and if anything bad happens, there's always a doctor nearby. 谢谢 Thank you. 发生大规模枪击案时 待在医院最明智了 It's also the best place to be in the event of a mass shooting, 只要外科医生没死光光就行 unless the gunman kills all the surgeons. 关键是 我在医院无忧无虑 The point is, I had zero anxiety.

我昨晚写信时 and as I sat down last night to write it, 忍不住回想你出生那天的场景 I couldn't stop thinking about the day you were born. 我第一次将你抱入臂弯 Holding you in my arms for the first time, 怜爱地看着你 looking down at you, 看着你可爱动人的小脸 your sweet, beautiful face... 我这辈子从未如此充满爱意 欢欣愉悦 I had never felt so much love and joy in my entire life. 于是我想到... And I thought that... 若是那一刻 有人能提醒我该多好 what if in that moment I heard a voice, 通晓万物的人生旁白对我低语 some omniscient narrator who said, "接下来将会如此" "Here's what's going to happen. "你的女儿将会风趣幽默 聪明伶俐 开朗大方" "Your daughter is gonna be funny, and smart, and outgoing, "她的灵气从小便会显现" You'll see it instantly, from a young age." "她将会魅力四射 广交朋友" "She'll be charismatic and make friends easily." "她将会温柔善良 心思细腻" "She'll be kind and sensitive. "细腻到敏感" "Maybe too sensitive. "她不会是个乖乖女" "She won't be an easy child. "她会很叛逆" She'll struggle." "因此 你将很难看懂她" "And in turn, you'll struggle to understand her." "你将跟不上她的思维" "To understand what's going on inside of her head. "无法理解那些难以摆脱的梦魇" "The night terrors that can't be interrupted. "很多时候 晚饭后" "The times after dinner where "她会坐在餐桌旁" "She'll just sit at the kitchen table "一遍遍数着天花板砖的数量and count the tiles over and over, "数到自己上气不接下气" "Until she hyperventilates. "你会用尽全力拥她入怀 安慰她" "To fight to hold her in your arms, to tell her it's okay." "你们将难以平静 她会摔打东西 大吼大叫" "To calm down. The kicking. The screaming. "她会害怕受伤" "The anxiety of being harmed. "她会日夜煎熬" "The transitions from day to night, "从家中到学校 每顿饭皆是如此" "From home to school, from meal to meal. "她会担心失去父母和妹妹" Of losing her mother or father or little sister." "她害怕会孤苦伶仃" - "Of being alone." 我很喜欢她 I really like her. "她会恐慌发作 情绪波动 迷惑不解 精神分裂" "The panic attacks, mood swings, confusion, disorganization "她会愤怒狂躁" "And all that rage. "不仅生你的气 也会恼恨自己" "Not just at you, but at herself. "最煎熬的是..." "And the tough part i "她无法自救 而你也将束手无策" "you'll feel as helpless to help her as she does herself." "你将犯下大大小小的错误" "You'll make mistakes. Small ones and big ones. "你会慌忙求助 病急乱投医" "You'll look for help from people who aren't helpful. "你求助之人或许根本不了解情况" "Or who don't actually understand what's happening." "内疚感将因此伴你终生" "And the guilt will never leave you." "但若你保持镇定 温柔耐心" "But if you remain calm and patient, "若你能仔细聆听" "If you listen closely, "你便能渐渐理解她" "理解她为何重复地数了一遍又一遍" "The counting, the repetition, "理解她对于对称的执着" "the need for symmetry. "若你睡前亲吻了她的左脸" "That if you kiss her left cheek before bed, "一定也要亲吻她的右脸" "You have to kiss her right cheek. "还有额头 下巴" "And her forehead. Then her chin. "因为这样才平衡稳定" "That it's about balance, stability. "这样她才能疏导情绪 捋顺思绪" "The need to organize her feelings and thoughts, so... "这样她才能平静下来" she can breathe easier." "你将得到片刻的喘息" "And there will be moments of relief, "你们俩都能松一口气" "In her and in you. "这些时刻平静安宁 顺心满足" "Moments that feel so normal, and calm, and rewarding that... "你会希望平淡的幸福能够天长地久" "You'll find yourself praying they last forever. "可她还小" "Even though she's only a child, "糟心事还在后面呢 "And all the hard parts have yet to even come. "16岁时" "And at the age of 16, "她会吸毒过量" "She'll overdose, "昏迷四天" "Spend four days in a coma, "生死未卜" "And you won't know if she'll live or die. "但等她醒来" "But when she wakes up, "她会有机会戒毒" "She'll be given the opportunity to get clean, "改过自新" "To become a different person, "完善自己" "A better person. "但有一点你无能为力" "Here's the toughest part. "不论你怎么说 怎么做 怎么想" "No matter what you say, or do, or wish, "决定权都在她手中" "The decision will be all hers. "你只能心怀希望" "And all you can do is hope "希望她能给自己一个重新来过的机会"

凯特 Kat. 万一现在就是我们人生的高光时刻呢 What if these are, like, the big moments in life? 我妈总说 Like, my mom always talks about 高中是她人生的里程碑式高光时刻 how high school was like this big, monumental part of her life. 可她都半老徐娘了 居然还对高中念念不忘 But I cannot imagine being 40 and looking back at this, like, "Wow." 因为多数人在高中达到了人生巅峰 Yeah, but that's because most people peak in high school. 我肯定还没达到巅峰... I definitely haven't peaked, so... 我感觉自己还没长大呢 I feel like I'm not even a person yet. 我也就攀登到巅峰的四分之一吧 Yeah, I'm definitely at, like, 25 percent peakness. 我好像达到巅峰了 I feel like I'm at a hundred. 但我还能升得更高 But I can definitely get to 150. 讲真 我都没想到自己能撑到现在 Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. 什么意思 What do you mean? 我总是提心吊胆 惶惶不安 I don't know. I just always had, like, this overwhelming anxiety 我总觉得一定会出事 that something bad would happen. 说实话 去年夏天 In all fairness, last summer, 我有三周一直以为你死了 there were, like, three weeks where I thought you were dead.